Only a few of your faces are familiar, but this pulpit in this meetinghouse is as familiar to me as my own hand. This is my home ward building, this is where I grew up, and this is where I have returned after months of being in Utah first for college, and then the Missionary Training Center. I entered the MTC on September 10th, 2014, but was released two weeks later and sent home to work through some medical issues.
Needless to say, my life has gone through some significant changes in the past few weeks. My family and friends are all very supportive, reassuring me that the doctors will figure it out, and I’ll be back on my mission in no time. Everyone keeps offering tidbits of their own medical wisdom to me, saying, “Oh, you just have a sodium deficiency,” or “You must have a pinched nerve,” or even, “Have you ingested any pesticides lately?” No, I haven’t. And to be frank, although I appreciate the concern, I disagree. That’s not the question. Of course I’m curious about what exactly is causing my condition, but it’s not what I pray for. I’m not worried at all about my health. What concerns me is:
What will I do next?
That is the question. That is what I carried within my heart to General Conference this year. What would you have me do, Lord?
That is why, when asked to speak on a conference talk from this past conference, I immediately thought of Carlos A. Godoy’s talk: The Lord has a Plan for Us! When preparing to speak today, I also turned to Elder Uchtdorf’s talk, Receiving a Testimony of Light and Truth. There’s a common thread between these talks, and it’s the principle of personal revelation.
Elder Godoy relates how, when faced with the decision to come to America as a scholarship student, “it was not a decision between what was right and what was wrong, but between what was good and what was better.” Too often, we label all our choices as bad or good. But as we come to live more fully in the light of the Gospel, our choices are illuminated in varying shades of good, better, and best.
In 1 Corinthians 12:31, Paul urges, “But covet ye earnestly the best gifts: and yet shew I unto you a more excellent way.”
I know for me, this is what my life has turned into. Keeping the Question in mind - What do I do next? - I have to evaluate: what will be best for me, for my family, for my future progeny? What is the more excellent way? Am I to return to my mission? Am I to serve as a member-missionary? Am I supposed to return to school? If so, where? I applied to BYU Provo for the fifth time this past month, and was declined yet again. So BYU Provo was out. It was confusing and altogether terrifying because I desire so much to do what the Lord wants me to do; I don’t want to go down a second-rate path, and live a second-rate life. I want to live the glorious path that the Lord has set out for me.
What do we do, then, if, even with all our powers of thought and imagination, we cannot decide which path is best? As President Uchtdorf explains, “If you want to recognize spiritual truth, you have to use the right instruments. You can’t come to an understanding of spiritual truths with instruments that are unable to detect it.” Of all the classes I took and all the social blunders I committed, the single most important thing I learned while in Utah this year is this principle. I learned how to turn to the Lord, to not just assume that I know best. I learned to fast and “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart”, to immerse myself in the scriptures with an intensity and focus I’ve never before experienced.
In his talk, Elder Godoy shares three steps to “ensure that we are making the right decision,” which fit perfectly with President Uchtdorf’s four steps to experiment on the word of God and receive further light. All decisions are spiritual decisions, because everything in this life either leads us closer to Heavenly Father or further from Him. That is not to say that we need to fret and fast about which brand of paprika to buy at the grocery store; God gives us brains for a reason. But in matters that could greatly influence our future and our families’ futures, we should first turn to the Lord.
According to Elder Godoy, the first step of decision making is to begin with the end in mind. We need to make sure that our actions indicate the “end” that is congruent with our values. Regardless of age, gender, or occupation, ultimately we all have the same “end”, or goal: to return to live with Christ and Heavenly Father forever. After General Conference the very first thing I did was open up my patriarchal blessing and read through it, to ask the question that Elder Godoy recalls: “If [I] continue to live as [I] am living, will the blessings in [my] patriarchal blessing be fulfilled?” I spent a good hour or so studying it, not only listing out the blessings, but also the expectations the Lord sets for me. I realized that even though I’m living righteously, there’s always more I can do. I contented myself with the fact that even though God hadn’t yet told me what He wanted me to do in the upcoming months and year, I can still focus on helping out my family today. Even that realization was a minor revelation, because I shifted my focus from spending hours a day studying Russian to interacting with my siblings, cleaning the house, and talking with my mom. I know it is making a difference in our family, and yes, it does bring me closer to my goal of eternal life, because family IS eternal life. There is no better place to practice Christ-like attributes than in my own family.
Next, “we need to be prepared for the challenges that come. The best paths in life are rarely the easiest. Often, it is exactly the opposite.” This is the point where we really need to buckle down and throw ourselves at God through earnest prayer, fasting, and scripture study. Elder Uchtdorf’s steps of receiving personal light and truth fit in very nicely here.
First, we need to “search the word of God… not with an intent to doubt or criticize, but with a sincere desire to discover truth.” If it seems like you haven’t yet received a clear answer, don’t despair, KEEP seeking. Look at all the past prophets who have received revelation from the Lord, and remember “how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.” The Lord loves you just as much as He loves Adam, Enoch, Noah, Moses, and Joseph Smith. Elder Uchtdorf assures us that God “will manifest the truth to you by the power of the Holy Ghost. He will grant you greater light that will allow you to look through the darkness and witness unimaginably glorious vistas incomprehensible to mortal sight.”
Then, don’t forget ask God, in the name of Jesus Christ, if the choice you’re leaning towards is true, if the seed planted in your heart is a good seed. If, after praying, you’re only 5% more certain of your decision than before you prayed, you are on the right track. The final way to verify the godliness of your choice is to act on it. Act on that percentage, whatever it may be.
In the MTC, in my first visit with the doctor about my legs buckling, he asked me if I would prefer to go home and figure things out with a neurologist there. “No!” I exclaimed. Of course not. Surely, I thought, I’m not THAT unwell. But over the next few days I had many doctors’ visits to receive the results of the MRI of my spine and the blood tests, both of which appeared entirely normal. Again, the doctor suggested I go home and speak with a neurologist, because it would take too long to figure things out in the MTC.
I realized there was a choice ahead of me. If I had chosen to stay in the MTC, I doubt I would have stayed long before they forced me to go home. Regardless, after much prayer and heart wrenching personal study, I was 75% sure I needed to go home. Luckily, the next day our district got to go to the temple to do an endowment session. I tried to fast, I really did! I went with a desperate heart, a growling stomach, a racking cough, and two cumbersome crutches. But mere minutes into the endowment session, I was coughing so hard that my nose started bleeding profusely and I had to leave and lie down for a bit. The temple workers had a right to be concerned, considering the state I was in: a terrible cough, a bloody nose, faulty legs, and runny eyes. I didn’t tell them that the reason I was crying wasn’t because I had cold. I was crying because I knew. I knew that I had to go home. Although I had good intentions in the temple as well as on my mission, for the sake of at least my health, I had to go home. Directly after our temple visit that day I met with a District President of the MTC, who told me I would leave the next day.
Outwardly, it may not have seemed like I acted on my impression to go home. Inwardly, I had made my decision even before I went to the temple; I just needed that little extra push. Not every choice we make will be that drastic. Right now, even, I’ve made a choice that I’m not going back on my mission for at least six months, and am working towards that decision by spending time with my family, going back to work, and applying to BYU-Idaho. The final, verifying part of this decision will be when I actually get to campus and start taking classes and living life in Rexburg. I felt the impression to go to BYU-Idaho strongly before, but I know that living there will seal it for me. “If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.” John’s statement comforts me, because I don’t want to choose selfishly. I want to choose God’s path for me; I want to choose the more excellent way. I know that if I act on even my 55% spiritual impressions, if I follow through instead of sitting stagnantly and unsurely, then I will know whether I am doing God’s will or my own.
The consequences of our choices will come, and if we have chosen right, chosen God’s path, Satan will surely try to make us doubt our decision. Elder Holland, in a marvelous BYU address called Cast Not Away Therefore Thy Confidence, expounds this principle. He says,
“It is in… the process of revelation and making important decisions, fear plays a destructive, sometimes paralyzing role… After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel His love and hear the word of the Lord, go forward. Don’t fear, don’t vacillate, don’t quibble, don’t whine. You may, like Ammon going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord is doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody has ever crossed the Red Sea this way before, but so what? There’s always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet.”
No matter what your decision is, there will be challenges. If you can’t see anything challenging ahead, anything that stretches, annoys, humbles, or distresses you, it might not be the right decision. I am not saying that you ought to doubt and fret; quite the contrary. I’m saying that if you HAVE doubts, don’t worry, because as long as you remember your spiritual witness, you can keep going and push the doubts away.
Finally, Elder Godoy mentions something I often forget while making decisions: We need to share our vision with the people we love. In 1 Nephi 8, when Lehi partakes of the fruit of the tree of life, he says, “it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit.” Immediately, Lehi looked for his family and beckoned to them, because he wanted them to share in his joy. But two of his sons, Laman and Lemuel, did not partake of the fruit, which caused Lehi to “exeedingly [fear] for Laman and Lemuel… and he did exhort them then with all the feeling of a tender parent, that they would hearken to his words.” When Elder Godoy decided to come study in America, he and his wife still had two children at home. As he says, “When we decide to take a certain path, the people we love will be affected, and some will even share with us the results of this choice. Ideally, they will see what we see, and share our convictions. This is not always possible, but when it occurs, the journey is much easier.”
I am lucky that my family and loved ones supported me so much with my decision to serve a mission. Coming back from the MTC, though, is a different experience. Honestly, being back does not trouble me much, as I have had personal spiritual witnesses that this is the path that the Lord wants me to take, no matter how circuitous or illogical it may be to my frail human logic. But my mom is still working through it. It is hard for her because she has not had the same spiritual impressions I have had. But honestly, it doesn’t matter. It is not her decision to make. It is between myself and God. I want her to be happy with my decisions, but I can’t force her to feel the same conviction I do. The people who cannot understand why I claim to know what I know, are “completely mistaken,” as President Uchtdorf explains. “They might be well-meaning and sincere. They might feel absolutely positive of their opinion. But they simply would not be able to see clearly because they had not yet received the more complete light of truth.”
Granted, there’s a difference between bearing one’s testimony to a non-believer and trying to reassure your mother that you’ve made the right decision, but although the degree of disagreement differs, the essence is the same. They have yet to receive the more complete light of truth. I love President Uchtdorf’s statement, “We do not condemn others for the amount of light they may or may not have; rather, we nourish and encourage all light until it grows clear, bright, and true.” If your loved ones do not agree or understand a decision you’ve made that you KNOW is prompted by God, don’t worry. Don’t be upset with them. Just love them all the more. Forgive them; they’re trying the best they can with the knowledge they have. Christ, just before his death at the hands of his own people, said to the Father, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
All of us are at different points in our spiritual journeys. We each receive revelation according to our unique circumstances, the fulness of which only God knows. Live true to how God wants you to live. Keep the goal of eternal life in mind. Don’t fear or doubt your spiritual impressions, and don’t forget to love and forgive those who misunderstand you. Although our lives may be different, we are one in the cause of Christ, in Zion, in working towards Him. In the words of Elder Holland, quoting Joseph Smith, “shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on to the victory!”
I know that God lives and loves each one of us. I know that Christ atoned for us, and through Him, we can return to live with Heavenly Father once more. I know that continually searching for personal revelation fills our lives with light, hope, direction, and purpose. I am grateful to be a member of the restored church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and for the opportunity I have to supplicate the Lord and receive his blessings. I say these things in the name of our beloved Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.
REFERENCES:
“The Lord Has a Plan For Us!”, Elder Carlos A. Godoy, October 2014 General Conference
“Receiving a Testimony of Light and Truth”, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, October 2014 General Conference
“Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence”, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, March 2000 Ensign Magazine
1 Corinthians 12:31
Moroni 10:3
John 7:17
1 Nephi 8:36-37
Luke 23:34
